Thursday, February 23, 2012

To Them, Everything's a Swear

 Millions of people in the United states are afflicted with a form of Verbophobia, which has only recently been discovered, but not classified or verified by the medical community. it's unofficially labelled, "double-entendrophobia"; the fear of words that may have a second risqué or raunchy meaning. Most people suffer from an expected, mild form of this phobia, while leading perfectly normal lives.
One of my patients suffers from double-entendrophobia, and some of the words she avoids you'd never even suspect of being crude or indecent. Here's a list:

Pole, log, taint, squat, greased, rubber, chub, slot, ding-dong, plop, burgle, wipe, knob, clot, sputum, crack, bush, beaver, taco, snatch, burger, shaft, rod, load, sack, cheese, wind, blown, blew, flaming, fluids, gash, shaved, chowder, yak, pie, hole, peanuts, butter, cream, slide, stuff, pump, push, pound, lick, lap, whopper, massive, hung, limp, bung, beef, power, tool, rode, riding, rapier, pork, sword, milk, lunch, snack, bag, pile, swollen, purple, Pooh-Bah, felt, feel, munch, meat, mighty, monster, niggle, sore, prod, probe, cork, yank, trouser, snake, worm, wiggle, waste and juicy.
Quite a list of words. Words I use every day. Can you imagine having your vocabulary stifled by this affliction? not being able to say things like...

...yearn, dung, flesh, peel, brown, clod, chunk, nugget, twig, spank, burrow, tunnel, slippery, hot, organ, squirting, crammed, nice, inside, caverns, portly, hotdog, franks, buns, sauce, spread, thick, tasty, sausage, burp, spewed, goobers, mound, puddle, shank, nub, bubble, steaming, slit, peppered, coating, stroked, jerked, wrenched, twisted, cupped, wrung, reaped, blubber, loaf, ejected, swallowed, tangy, wretched, splatter, scrubbed, tossed, salad, garbage, junk, jasper, dangle, speared, slobber, bob, fondle, squeeze, torque, eat, grovel, grub, soil, sully, pulsing, throb, hardened, tumescent, wrinkled, pouch, cheeks, oily, slime, yolk, doughy, ramming, plunger, pop, sport, raging, mistake, tuber and too many more to count.

I feel so bad, so hard and long for these people. My head throbs when I think of their dripping hot tears soaking the sheets as they toss in their beds at night. Coming to the realization they'll never be able to spout these things without deep, penetrating therapy.

I don't have the answer, I just sit and listen, telling them it's all going to be OK. I shouldn't have even taken these patients on. It's really quite interesting, so i keep seeing them.


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