Wednesday, March 14, 2012

They Saw Us Coming

 Everybody who's anybody believes evolution to be an undeniable fact, to question its validity today would be like admitting to treason or slavery. So all of humanity knows evolution is an absolute fact, but, are other species that inhabit the planet with us privy to this important information? "Yes", says one biologist from Melbourne, Australia. Kenn Thompson, an independent researcher Who emigrated to California thirty four years ago, claims that hundreds, possibly thousands of plant and animal species are consciously aware of the evolutionary process and use it to their advantage; and how are they using it? Humans.

"The dawn of man has been long anticipated by our flora and fauna," boasts Thompson, as he takes aim at a California Bighorn sheep with his big brown hunting rifle. "Bang. Not today, Dokey," he laughs, and props the weapon against his dirt bike. When I asked him about his theory, he almost got angry... not angry, but agitated, as if I should have figured it out myself. Anyway, here's a transcript of the interview, although I only asked one question.

Me:  How does this work?
Him: Alright, It's like this, yeah. It's like the birds and the animals, and even that big old dokey sheep over there, can feel when they're entire species is threatened. Like a bird millions of years ago notices a squat, hairy thing with a long tail and skinny grabby fingers swinging him through the jungle, and he thinks to himself, " that guy is gonna be trouble a bit down the road." The bird, or whatever animal, knows that that monkey is going to evolve into some higher human-like species that will give him and his the business in a few million, you know. And from that day on that species starts making adjustments, little tweaks that'll prepare it for the onslaught of the human race. Ok... uh, you following me, Dokey? Yeah, let's skip forward those few million, yeah? So this bird or whatever is living right in the middle of this human barrage, I mean like in the eye of it, yeah, and he's like, "OK, it's time," and all that prep work kicks in, all those hours pay off. And say these particular humans are bugging this particular type of bird or whatever, and he's throwing up farms and crops and silos or whatever, and this bird knows he can't compete against agriculture, against the human machine, so he starts building his nests and homes or whatever smack dab in the middle of all this human business, and they start getting steamrolled, yeah. I mean these birds or whatever are taking it on the chin. And these guys know exactly what's gonna happen, they know that some wandering bearded bum drifter from one of the lefty coasts is gonna hitchhike his way into a job on one of these farms, take a lunch into the woods with a notebook or sketchbook, notice that this particular bird species is getting it's ass kicked and is disappearing like hotdogs in Texas, and POW! Endangered list. And they knew it! Because this bird or whatever knew this guy would call his buddies in No Cal and spill his guts about the farms and the birds or whatever and cause this whole shit storm, yeah. They knew it, they've known it for all these years because they've been watching us and storing the data away in their DNA. They were waiting and ready. They knew that they were gonna get their lunch eventually, so instead of waiting for what was inevitable, they threw themselves into the grinder first, for the good of their species. Now this bird or whatever sees its population rising, stabilizing, yeah. Protected, see? Now they've got the protection that evolution has afforded them. Sure, there aren't nearly as many of them now, but it's better than none, yeah? Amazing. Right. Put that in your bowl and eat it, Dokey."

 That last comment wasn't directed at me, he said it as if he were addressing the entire scientific community. He took off on his dirt bike after a few more words. It's an incredible theory, and I have a feeling we haven't heard the last from Mr. Thompson. 


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Pictures in the Wall

Shane Prendergast, age 51, applies a coat of orange peel texture with his spray hopper

Have you ever seen an image of a face, or a demon, or an animal in a wall or a ceiling? I'll bet you have. Nearly every human on the planet, with the exception of a substantial hunk of the male Anglo-Saxon population in the American south and Midwest, have seen elaborate, beautiful pictures hiding in the cracks and creases of their wall and ceiling textures. Carpets are also a great source of these images. Animals, skulls, demons, and even dragons are just a few among millions and millions of the things you will see when you look at almost any flat surface, preferably with some sort of orange peel or knock-down texture applied to it. Berber and shag carpet work nearly as well.

Why do we see these images? Simple. Because they're there. It's as easy as that. When these textures are applied, the individual who's responsible for doing so subconsciously projects his/her inner feelings through the spray-hopper or the thing or machine that sews the carpets together. Most of these people who're are in this menial sort of position are day-dreaming about skulls, dragons, elves, or many of the other images previously mentioned. An eight hour day of wiping goop on a wall or assembling floor coverings is the most boring line of work there is; so it's quite obvious that when the surfaces are being created, the images are inadvertently transferred through the medium of imagination and rhythmic muscle memory . The muscles receive the images, without the knowledge of the individual, from the brain, and they accidentally leave their imagination on the wall. Literally! Take a look at any shoe made by Reebok or Nike, do you think all that squiggly shit and those plastic nodules get there by chance?

It works nearly the same way with airline pilots and clouds. If you were to ask an airline pilot to apply a layer of orange peel texture on a wall, it would be just that, a layer of pasty slop on a wall with nothing to see. Now, put that same pilot in a jumbo 747 airplane jet, and he'd paint with clouds his dreams and aspirations on a canvas of sky. And these cloud images would be vastly more detailed than any knock-down texture picture, due to the pilots higher I.Q. and greater understanding of spatial temporal reasoning. The contrast in these pictures would be, say, the difference between a Frank Frazetta and someone's nephew who can draw. Both very interesting, regardless of sophistication. 

I challenge you to lie down in a room and look at whatever surface you like, find the images and jot them down, then do the same with the clouds and compare the two. You'll see the benefits of an education and an interesting, stimulating career, as opposed to a dreary, proletariat low-wage position.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Snowflakes No Longer Boring

The fact that every snowflake contains the exact same crystallized pattern may have been shattered by researchers in the Bahamas last month. In a lab, in a massive cold room, ice and snow experts have been attempting to create an original snowflake for over 34 years, without success...until now.

Two unnamed Russian cold-fusion science majors, on a visit to the island lab, got stinking drunk and, after punching two lab techs in the face, gained access to the top secret cold room and began pushing buttons and throwing switches at random. "You want new ice flake, I give you one (laughing wildly)", one of the Russians, the smaller of the two, was reported to have said. His larger companion then shoved a protesting tech over a large snowman, turned to an important control panel, and brought his fist down onto several crucial knobs and toggles. A predictable shower of sparks erupted from the data banks, and almost immediately a fresh burst of snow began to fall.

An undisclosed source from the scene claims that there was something decidedly different about this snowfall."You could just feel it, you know? We all just stared, even the Russian guys. It was like electricity was sizzling the air, but made of snow, you know?", the source stated. "All of us grabbed our special equipment and analyzed the new flakes at once, and we knew what we had. These two dolts come in here, shit-boxed, and accomplish what we've tried to do for over three decades...we had our new snowflake pattern. It was amazing."

Both Russian scientists were given high ranking positions with the facility and are now attempting to recreate the success of that evening. the tragedy is that no images were captured of the new pattern, the lab was only equipped with two Nikon digital cameras, which, earlier in the day, were destroyed when the two Russians took them snorkeling in order to photograph some of the local marine life. "And no one thought to use their smart-phones," said Louis Simmons, the facility's accountant.

How do we know this new pattern exists? I'm going to have to give them the benefit of the doubt. More than ten people saw it and they've been at this for years.

Below is a simulated image of the new pattern alongside the existing classic one. I can't really tell, but these guys know their stuff.